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[07 Aug 2005|05:39pm] |
okay, i'll admit it, i love livejournal. a lot.
summer is over soon, in a few weeks, and that's too bad. because summer was, although monotonous, very grand. lots of work, lots of seeing people i like. normalcy. it was great.
and school! oh very excited. it should be grand.
i think people treat freshman year of college much like thirteenth grade of high school. and that's not what i want. i don't want to be in the throes of so much drama again. so i bought dark sunglasses and got a new screen name.
i'm so devious.
i love it.
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[29 Jul 2005|12:55am] |
I'm reading a book; it's called 'Don't Move' by Margaret Mazzantini. It is spectacular. The story is about a sugeon's pschyotic affair with a whore. But the way it's written, it's like....the prose almost spills off the the page, like poetry, and it's only until i've reached the end of the chapter that i realize that i've been holding my breathe; not because it is packed with action but because it is so beautifully written, it's hard for me to take so much of it in at once.
a paragraph that struck me. just because.
"Whenever a romance is bound for dissolution, humiliation's a part of the tale. Sometimes lovers emerge from their confining silhouette and see an objective image of the beloved, a bright, focused image no longer camoflaged by their own desires. Afterwards, they pretend that nothing has changed, but by then - at least to some extent - they've already passed from love to ferocity. For we become ferocious with those who have disillusioned us, Angela."
at least to some extent.
108 days until rent comes out. stay strong.
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[09 Jul 2005|04:24am] |
it's late, or early, whichever way you look at it. i'm awake, because i was hot, and so i came downstairs to the only thing that was there for me;
trusty livejournal.
a party tonight. it's funny how you pay such attention and focus on such fine detail on issues and affairs that are your own and you don't notice the same nuances and concurrents and ground breaking events that are as slight as a hand gesture but can alter a friendship or relationship or life forever after it, in other peoples' lives.
and it's strange and sort of disheartening to think that these things occur constantly and without your notice, namely because you are basically unable to notice them because you yourself are not experiencing them. But these slight and solid experiences can work to alter your life in ways you never thought anything would, and then something happens to open your eyes just a smidge wider and you end up thinking, where did this actually ever begin? was it always like this and i never noticed because i was too wrapped up in my optimistic sheltered life to notice such a huge change taking place? while you're as perplexed as ever and sitting at home at four AM on a saturday morning or four AM on a friday night in front of your computer writing in an online blog that you will probably pretend you don't have when people mention it.
i think one of the best ways to measure how much you've grown is to look at what it is like for you at home. Because home is where you started, and what you come back to, and where you are at home mirrors where you are in life, it's only an easier thermometer to measure yourself on because change is so apparent at home that it's almost shocking.
not quite sure how i feel about that. i thought home would be my only stable place while other aspects of my life, namely college and other times i leave my homelife, would be constantly rocky [but in a good way, don't you worry]. My life at school this year was maybe one of the rockiest times of my life where i was continuously thrown around and running around and always on edge [i hope this doesn't sound pessimistic because i mean it in the greatest sense - i loved that constant tornado that my year seemed to throw me into] and i sort of held out for home, because i kept saying, don't worry, there it is stable.
i guess that's true in some sense, in the family sense. not sure otherwise though.
i wonder if this entry makes any sense to you whatsoever. i mean of course i'd gladly explain it if you're actually wondering. or maybe i'm just sleep typing and should go to bed.
hmm. probably.
126 more days until RENT comes out to the big screen. [life's too short, babe, and] time is a-flying. g'night.
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[06 Jul 2005|12:04am] |
it makes me so happy when i pay for the stranger behind me at a toll booth.
and when old[ish] friends come to visit me from 2000 miles away.
and calling people who just don't expect your voice on the other line.
and crafting my own accessories.
we need more toothpaste.
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[13 Jun 2005|12:31am] |
so today i found out that RENT
my passion and one true love in life besides Friends [no, not you. the television show.]
is coming to the big screen.
this is the best thing to happen to me since i got my braces off and could finally speak without a lisp.
i'm more than ecstatic.
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[29 May 2005|03:30am] |
wait.
tonight was actually fantastic.
a ripper with GW and lexington people.
it was great. i missed gw. and i saw some gw friends. and that was fabulous. and i love that, and i love everything, especially when i get phone calls from a san diego reunion, or drunken phone calls from daryn.
i'm a big fan of rippers.
i'm just gonna throw that out there for future reference. :-D
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[25 May 2005|05:24pm] |
oh ps
i got the job i interviewed for. i am now working for the Clean Water Action, because i am a liberal lesbian equal rights tree hugger.
congratulate me.
thanks.
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[25 May 2005|02:05pm] |
so this is really boggling my mind.
how could an upstanding citizen of our elitist society, namely, me, who thrives in an upper-middle class diversified environment, actually be somewhat addicted to Land O' Lakes White American Cheese?
i don't understand it. I mean, it'd be one thing if i had grown up in a trailer living with my mom, my grandparents, my eight brothers and sisters (somewhat inbred), all the while munching on this nasty processed snack. Mac n' (government) cheese, (government) cheese itz, grilled (government) cheese, government cheese sticks, etc, would be normal white trash american kid foods to grow up on.
but i didn't. i grew up on turkey burgers, tofu dogs, salad with dressing on the side, french toast made with eggwhites, etc.
why is it that now, after 19 years of being molding into someone who so perfectly fits her surroundings, i can see small traces of american white trash popping through?
this explains my undying love of hair gel and hitting woman.
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[21 May 2005|01:07am] |
so i'm home, and i've been home for a week, and i am caught between the emotional battle of missing people and familiarity profusely, and the emotional pacifier of being in a place that i love with people that i love and with familiarity that i love.
its hard. i miss school a lot. but i'm so glad to be here that it is absolutely okay with me.
this year was considerably hard for me. first semester, when i was pretty much a mute until i left my room because of a horrible roommate situation, when i made a best friend who completely screwed me over multiple times, and when i learned much about people, and second semester, when my days were wracked with horrible insecurities and my nights were wracked with doubt and short lived highs [not from drugs, thank you very much] and my life was ruled by feeling unsure of myself [read: a boy], and then towards the end when that all came crashing down and i pretty much wanted to live laying facedown the floor and never get up again [read: we broke up].
but through all these 'hardships' is what i guess you'd call them, great friendships continued / were reborn / and formed. which is fantastic. i love that i miss them so much; that i have these people, who a year ago had no effect on my life, and how now i feel like there is a hole inside of me with their physical absence from my life.
i love it. i love gw. i love college and i love people and even if this year has furthered my opinions that my girl friends and my sisters and mother seem to hate [read: i do not believe in certain love related issues as they do], i think i learned so so so so so much, a lot that i might not be able to live w/o.
so it was a great year. and it should be a great summer. and sophomore year should be great as well. and unless my plans fall through, my life will be great and i will go on to greathood and rule heaven in all my greatness.
just kidding. jews dont believe in heaven. they only believe in saving money.
BYE LOVERS AND FRIENDS. i've missed you all while i was gone. especially you, emily holland.
awkward.
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[25 Apr 2005|01:27pm] |
this is just a notice to all you motherfuckers out there
honestly, if any one of you drags me along again, i seriously will cause severe damage to your face with broken bottles
yes i'm violent, and for good reason. i'm tired of this s;ldfkajdfs;lksdjfsldkf.
YOU ARE ALL SUCH BITCHES. how does it happen that the boys i am friends with seem to have problems on the other side of the spectrum, like caring too much, but the boys i'm with and boys i like are as emotional as rocks AND have less of a sex drive than girls?
that is so lame. like at least if youre gonna be without emotions, do it so you can just get w/ girls for sex.
if you have neither what are you? just...nothing?
lame.
jewel is really the only person who understands because shes a girl that has been fucked over constantly as well.
WELL I"M DONE WITH IT. now its my turn.
goodbye my lovers and friends, assign yourself to either group you'd prefer.
pps. i'm currently eating lox and matzah. if i get any more jewish i think i might turn into a torah.
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[22 Apr 2005|12:41pm] |
so i kind of swore off livejournal for a while.
who cares. it's lame. i'm lame. we should date.
my life is filled with too many situations right now. i probably should not be the one entrusted to make decisions in my life. i'm tired of doing the wrong thing, constantly doing the WRONG THING because of reasons related to emotions/logic and the ongoing struggle to equal each other out.
can someone PLEASE start deciding things for me?
on another note, i'm going home tonight. YES. i dont really want to leave here but i want to go home. i need a break from this place.
haha not this place! just my life in this place.
it is too wild, for yes, even me.
because i'm the most wildest person you ever did meet.
ok now i should go back to eating plain pepper and listening to jewel's "you were meant for me" on repeat because she's the only person in the world who understands me, slash, i'm a big lesbian.
bye lovers and friends.
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[13 Feb 2005|11:20pm] |
tomorrow is valentines day.
valentines day is always so awkward.
but happy valentines day! i hope you guys don't mind that all of your significant others are cheating on you
[with me]
but happy v day regardless!
there's a chance i might go make cupcakes tomorrow with my [girl]friend, daryn.
[yes danny, not only are we gay, we're gay TOGETHER]
but i hope all of you remember! that although valentines day is about couples and boyfriends and girlfriends and chocolate hearts and conversation hearts and gay shit like that and stuff that i dont believe in like that kind of love, that there IS LOVE between you and your friends and family! so dont forget to tell them [tell me] how much they me to you! [how much i mean to you, assholes. ;)]
Show Mee D Money: u should embrace ur lj
never. as long as i'm concious, i'm going to stick by the fact that 'i dont have a livejournal because they're for nerds.'
the end, LOVERS.
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[01 Feb 2005|07:43pm] |
alex and i have just come to the conclusion that one of our summer friends is [definitely] perhaps a [huge raging] lesbian.
we aren't friends with her anymore though, because of other reasons [come on, being a lesbian would make me want to be better friends with her] such as the fact that she is *ridiculous* and an absolutely ridiculous person and its quite unfortunate because we used to be best friends and also unfortunate because she goes to our school. how disheartening! i might care if i liked her. :)
haha i hope i have made this as obvious as possible. and you know what? if she ever reads this and identifies with it, i wouldn't care. i'm on the of the world.
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[24 Jan 2005|04:14pm] |
it's ridiculous how when someone else is upset it can hurt you so badly.
someone hurt my best friend and i will do all i can to knife them. honestly.
but how do you help someone in a situation that you are not part of? how do you do anything other than support and love them? what the fuck WHAT THE FUCK are the right words to say? and i feel so inadequate because i don't know what to say, because i dont know how to help people out, i listen, comment occasionally, I"M ALWAYS HERE FOR HER but i dont know what else to do! i know i can't fix it but can't i make it better? isn't there any way? is it just that i'm awkward and unconfrontational and have cotton for a tongue and can't say the right words and stop the tears or at least mop them up? what the hell is wrong with me and when did this happen? how did this happen? i try to be such a good friend BUT I DONT KNOW WHT TO SAY OR DO TO MAKE IT BETTER other than "show my support" by 'letting her vent" and "always being there for her" BUT I HAVE NO WORDS TO SAY not because I don't care or because I think i'm better off by treating the situation by being silent, ITS BECAUSE I DONT KNOW HOW TO HELP.
ANYONE
EVER.
WHAT THE FUCK:LKJSFLKALDJFFLKSDFKLSF.
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[17 Jan 2005|01:09am] |
my republican midwestern never-met-a-jew-before roommate has apparently moved out!
wow.
ridiculous.
and i'm going back tomorrow
and ill miss it here. i'll miss our fancy dinner parties and our great rippers. so much.
this is such a great place.
but then again, so is the district!
i'm goign to make this semester a lot better, i need to get out of Thurston once in a while. First thing to do on my list?
find the best indian food in DC.
woo.
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[10 Jan 2005|01:02pm] |
i went to court today!
to tell them i wasn't going to pay 35 bucks for a ticket for my car accident from the summer because i didnt deserve it.
and i won!!!!
i should go get something for 35 dollars now as a gift to myself for being so jewish.
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[10 Jan 2005|01:49am] |
*silence in the car*
--"...Hey...do you think that maybe--"
--"yes. definitely."
the depth of a best friendship is immeasurable. honestly. to be so in sync with someone? ridiculous.
in other news, i have come to the realization that all i ever want to be now and when i grow up is embodied in Samantha Jones. She is an incredible woman and everything i strive to be like.
goodnight :)
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[09 Jan 2005|12:41pm] |
there was a big snow storm yesterday.
and i'm so happy i'm here for winter. i hate DC winter. it involves about four snowflakes but people freak out anyway. here we have real snow. hard core snow ball making snow.
so last night with nothing to do, a bunch of my friends and i went sledding at midnight. It was very fun. we were wet and freezing and it was dark and we were exhausted but it was so much fun. Afterwards we did illegal things with the help of scott, and then went to the sketchy highway mcdonalds and ate...everything.
it was such a 'winter' night. like the most typical winter night ever. i loved it. i have a clementine sized bruise on my leg and i am sick from the amount of mcdonalds i ate last night, but it was awesome.
i love winter. and my friends. and dead dog hill. and mcdonalds. and being hit on at mcdonalds by 40 year old drunkards so the policeman has to come over and help us out.
who does that. ha.
mmmkay. i'm peacing out. i'm so tired.
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[02 Jan 2005|02:03am] |
i decided i hate Garden State.
and this is so disappointing. because for a long time i thought garden state and napoleon were two of the greatest movies.
but it's terrible. and it's a lie. not just one. many lies. that would never happen.
there are so many reasons.
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[01 Jan 2005|02:48am] |
never give anyone the benefit of the doubt unless they prove to you that they deserve it beforehand.
lol
that is my advice for the night
happy new years. night was grand. wasn't it?
it should be called happy new beers. hjahahahaha. oh teenagers. so silly.
so.
let's talk . [i'm so awkward. ']
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